I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
