It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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