best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
