So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
