I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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