you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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