I accidentally burped into my bong.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
