im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
