Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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