Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
