Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
