Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
