we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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