My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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