Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
