Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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