Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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