Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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