i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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