Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
