I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh god it's open bar.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
