I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
