It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
