I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
