Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
