He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
