There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
