I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize