I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
