How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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