Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
