I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize