2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
