When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Someone signed my nipple.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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