someone threw a dead crab at me
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
