I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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