Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
