I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
