is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize