last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
