I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
