woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
