Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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