I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
