Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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