I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
