Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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