Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
