I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
