I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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