We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
