I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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