Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
