If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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