I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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