you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
