I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
