we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
