Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
