You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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