He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
