i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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