I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
