i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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