4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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