Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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