I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
