and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
