There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
God, I missed his penis.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
