she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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