Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
