Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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